I still do not know what to call you, a magician or a magic itself.
They all asked me to move on, because it had started to hurt way too much for any human soul to bear. Deep bruises that no doctor could heal. I had become like the autumn leaf, bright and colourful, but lifeless.
I tried dancing, but found no music, tried painting, but ran out of colours, tried taking a stroll, but got lost, tried smiling, trust me I did. But found no reason.
The day was sunny and people complained about the heat. I looked up at the sky with surprise as somehow the sun’s rays never reached me. Everyday was nothing different from being the usual cold, dull and gloomy. It was all yellowish grey, blueish grey, reddish grey, but grey. Grey like my neighbour’s annoying cat. Something felt heavy as well as empty. I ransacked every drawer of my thought but found none. There was something missing, something very dear to me. The search was driving me mad till a thick black smoke caught my eyes. On following the trail I found my feelings and emotions surrounding and mourning, as my heart burnt on the pyre. That’s what I was searching for. Realisation joined me and both of us stood still and watched the flame rise high above. The show did not last long. The ashes that were left behind formed a beautiful pattern on the barren ground.
Time hardly seems to be spent when it comes to eulogizing about you, the ink of my thoughts just wouldn’t stop flowing. It wants to write countless words in your praise. I felt like the earth was to break apart, I had heard of the sky fall and that day I was experiencing one. May be that’s how it feels.
“You are drunk,” mocked my friend. Yes, I am. But with his thoughts and no amount of lime can bring me back to my senses,” I told them in reply. “Enjoy the kick,” said a friend. Those are ‘kicks’ for you commoners, but for admirers of love, those are pecks on the forehead, was my reply. I had actually thrown you out of my life long before. But my heart had done as a treachery, it kept you hidden in its own heart.
My friend suggested me to write something, so that I could keep myself busy. But the writer in me was not exactly in my control. She does not awaken on the beck and call of the selfish, she only rises when the needy wail…, “Woow! Love has done something to you!,” exclaimed a friend with surprise. “You should always remember, love has done nothing to me, rather it has done nothing to anyone. It’s us who do things in it and then blame the innocent,” I stated.
The moon was shining a bit too brightly, but only the arch of it could be seen, yet beautiful enough. Ahh….the Moon! Not exactly a thing I had ever enjoyed before. But today I was sad, not romantic, if you are wondering. I stood all alone in the crowd, dumb when all sang, blind in the brightness, felt lost even with the compass. Exhibitions of sorrow is all that I had started attending.
What can be better than dreams of a blind, a cloud that has poured, a mountain that has come down, the sun that has set, a tree without flowers, a lamp without light, and freedom stories from a prisoner?
It’s not that easy to just forget you and walk away. I am terribly scared of hurting you in the process. I know you are not there to feel anything, as you have chosen to leave. But then I am scared, scared that if you ever chose to come back, you wouldn’t find me there waiting and that will hurt you. And that’s what I am scared of.
I danced, danced till I reached the edge of the Earth, “What are you dancing to?” someone asked. I heard myself replying, “To the song he is singing!” “He is not singing anything,” said the person.“Yes of course he is,” I replied with astonishment. Wondering why no one can hear it. “You are out of your mind!”, added another. I ignored and continued to dance. “By the way, what is he singing?” asked one. “He is singing the song, Unheard”….I smiled and continued to dance.
I know certain things don’t mean anything, but on the other hand those certain things only contain a barrage of meaning in them. I do not know how to deal with them or to just ignore their mere presence, just like the sound of a moving fan. At the end when all had gone to sleep, the night acquainted me with the fact that we are not meant for each other. Then the alarm rang and morning rose, brighter with hope. The hope was again daunted, haunted, dominated and scorned by the grey raven clouds. Which scared away the entire sky of hope. They all rained down on me at ones with shivering thunder storms and blinding lightning and simply asked me to back off. Bidding him deep under the cover of the veins and flesh, there was a time when I had actually backed off and chosen someone else to move ahead with. But even that plan betrayed me. As every vein that carried my blood could not do anything to hide the red because of the love I have for him.